I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize
