I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Help. Why am I so naked?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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