I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize