Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
