ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
