I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize