the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
