Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
