I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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