i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
