Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
