He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
