We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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