there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
These tits shall not be calmed
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
