I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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