Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
