All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
