What a fucking waste of an outfit
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
