My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
