so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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