my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
