I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
he was CRYING into my vagina
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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