That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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