i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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