Ambien. No doubt about it.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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