my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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