Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
