Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
