so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize