I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
