Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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