oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
