Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
