I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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