I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
