you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
