I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
