My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
