cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
