I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
