Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
