the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
