I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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