There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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