she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
