my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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