the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
