apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize