Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
