I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize