More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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