Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
