someone threw a dead crab at me
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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