Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
