i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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